If you could ask me at what point I felt like my life was change, I would tell you the exact night.  It was late October and one night, I had just arrived home from a long day of school and work when I suddenly received a text message from my co-worker. He asked about my plans and if I wanted to hang out. I had started having feelings for him and there was something about him that made me get goose bumps all the way up to my neck. He was sweet and always smiled at me looked at me and smiled in a flirty way at work. It seemed like he liked me too and things would be different this time-- at least that’s what my heart hoped for.
             
            I wanted to hang out with him, but my parents were to strict with me, so  I know they wouldn’t let me go out at all; especially if it were with a guy. I told him that I wasn’t going to do anything; butI would hang out with him. I figured I could sneak out and that way, no one would find out. My palms started getting sweaty, my heart started beating faster, and I felt the adrenaline rushed through my body. Everything felt exhilarating and I couldn’t wait until the moment came.

            I was nervous and exited as I snuck out of my window. I hoped no one would notice I was gone. I got into Felipe’s car and we drove off.  We started talking a lot, and about everything, and just getting to know each other more. It was an interesting experience. Then, we kissed. And then something unexpected happened, he asked me if I had ever “given head.” I said no and that I was nervous about disappointing myself and my family. He started feeling me and one thing led to the other; he told me he really liked me and that everything was going to be ok.

I believed him but after a couple of weeks I came to realize that it had just been a ploy from him. The next day I showed up to work I thought we had started a serious relationship, but it wasn’t like that. He smiled at me, but there was nothing further that was say. That night he sent me another text message telling me that what had happen had been nice and everything, but it didn’t mean anything. He said it was just another “hook-up,” for him and that I shouldn’t expect anything. Later, I found out about his girlfriend. He had used me and my feelings didn’t matter. I felt so utterly discarded, as if I were an object and not a human.

His words tore me apart and it made me feel dirty. I felt used as a sex object. It lowered myself esteem and made me think that I wasn’t worth much more than just a one-night stand. I didn’t know who to talk to. I couldn’t tell my parents or my family because I would be judged and then my greatest fear would become true: being a disappointment. But without realizing it, I had already disappointed the most important person: myself. My self-esteem was shot. And even though it’s been almost six months, things haven’t changed. I still feel degraded and sad even though I hide under a mask of happiness. I feel like I can’t talk about my feelings to anyone because they will judge me. People might call me names – names that I don’t deserved, and make me feel worse. This is a secret that only the lines of my diary know and I don’t know how it’s helping, but the lines of my diary are the only ones that won’t judge me.

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